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Okay, I finally watched it.  Now I understand how people feel about a movie enthusiast not seeing “The Goonies” as a kid, or ever, because of many not so subtle conversations in the past. I get that the movie was fun when you are around the same age as the characters but being 32 years old and not smart enough to build a time machine I had to watch it “better late than never” style and I enjoyed the hell out of it.  It is fun and hilarious (at least I think so because my wife was literally laughing for 100 minutes straight).  To make the experience even more fun, I lived the movie vicariously through the perspective of an eight year old boy. Watching the movie for the first time as my former younger self, these are the lessons this movie taught me.

So, from the perspective of an 8 year old Gary Wrenn, 25 life lessons from “The Goonies”:

1.  Beware of fake wishes.  If you find treasure it might just be the bottom of a wishing well. A place where wishes don’t come true.

2.  As long as you live by the mantra “Goonies never say die,” booby traps won’t kill you.

3, If you are going to break someone out of jail you should park right out front of the jail house and turn the car off.

4.  If you find a monster and give it a Baby Ruth it will kiss you. goonies 7

5.  When an older sibling says they are in charge just give a speech about the present predicament being “your time” to take control back. You might even get to kiss his girl.

6.  There are a few good uses for plastic snapping teeth. goonies 5

7.  Being a genius won’t guarantee you can tell apart candlesticks from dynamite.

8.  The word “shit” can be used in many situations and is always funny.

9.  Whenever you find a skeleton you better hope a friend can read music.

10.  If you get called out for saying a celebrity took a piss in your house, just correct it by saying it was their sister.

11. Maps are indestructible. goonies 6

12.  If your friend wears a trench coat he probably has an extendable punching glove contraption in it. goonies 4

13.  When surrounded by treasure, don’t forget the marbles.

14.  No matter what happens, if you find a pirate ship, make people walk the plank.

15.  Wear shorts over your sweatpants.

16.  If you let the air out of your big brother’s tires on his bike he will assume it is completely broken.

17.  If your fat friend is missing, don’t worry, his parents will have a pizza ready for him whenever they find him.

18.  If you drop a baby on its head it will turn out like Sloth.

19.  Some young kids can speak Spanish and are knowledgeable about drugs and sexual torture devices.

20.  Shaking pipes could make people fly off toilets.

21.  If you have a chicken,  make a gate opener with it.

22.  With one stick of dynamite you can destroy a whole cave and release a pirate ship.

23.  If bats are flying around your face, telling them to “sit” won’t help.

24.  If you break the penis off of your mom’s favorite statue, make sure you glue it on the right way so it doesn’t permanently keep an erection.  goonies 3




25.  I might be a bad kid but at least I never stole my Uncle’s toupee and glued it on my face when I was Moses in the school play, knocked my brother down the stairs and blamed it on the dog, or got kicked out of fat camp.

Overall Score: 9